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There's some funny shit here!
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Quirky Little Things I've Noticed....
1.Those Tampax Compak things look remarkably like sperms....
2.Whoever thought up that show with Kathy Griffin on MTV should be kicked in the nuts. Repeatedly. Then shot. Repeatedly.
3.Rosie O'Donnel looks remarkably like Monica Lewinsky after alot of caffiene.
4.Women spray themselves with fruit-smelling body spray. Do guys like the smell of fruit? No. Can someone tell me what the point of this is?
5.It makes me laugh when women wear those sandal thingies that OBVIOUSLY will hurt your feet and then complain about how much their feet hurt as if they are surpised.
6.The Pillsbury Doughboy is WAY too happy considering he is castrated.
7.Ugly annoying girls who are really flirty piss me off.
8.Old Navy is NOT a trendsetter.
9.Isn't it funny how hypocritical sprite comercials are?
10.Shopping carts are quite possibly the greatest thing ever put on wheels.
11.I'm watching Joan and Melissa Rivers right now. Someone should REALLY invent muzzles for humans.
12.I wonder what would happen if you tried playing golf with live hand grenades. Sounds fun, doesn't it?
13.Model rocket engines have the most potential for explosive fun out of any toy on the market today.
14.Midgets are funny. Especially the ones that are toting loaded squirrel guns. Wait a minute....
15.Wanna have a litle fun? Mix a few pixie stix in with some mountain dew and chug it.
16.Clowns are satan incarnate.
17.Wouldn't that be funny if people threw cats at trees and watered the rocks? Instead of...
18. Throwing trees at rocks and watering cats?
By Jeff
Top 10 Things I missed during summer
10. Making excuses for being late to classes.
9. Getting yelled at by my Spanish teacher.
8. Getting yelled at by my math teacher.
7. Getting yelled at by my health teacher.
6. Getting yelled at by other peoples teachers.
5. Sitting in peoples seats in other classes that I don't have, then...
4. Getting thrown out by other peoples teachers.
3. Causing various mischief at lunch (i.e. Condom on the water fountain).
2. Causing various mischief in various classes.
1. Causing various mischief with all my friends that I won't see for a while.
Something funny I saw on my friends page:
"Fabian is another one of my really cool guy friends..... he's like horny 24/7/365 and isn't like most guys."
Ten things I learned from freshman year in high school
1. If you don't know what you're talking about, shut up.
2. It doesn't matter how close you were with people from last year, because they've all either changed or fallen off the face of the earth.
3. Don't talk shit. I've seen more shit-talkers get there ass kicked in freshman year then in the rest of my schooling combined.
4. NEVER call the prinicipal an asshole to his face.
5. No matter where you are guys, if you walk into an occupied womens bathroom, they WILL scream and you WILL get hairbrushes, lipsticks, mirrors, tampons, etc. thrown at you.
6. Ladies, if you're ever curious about how dirty the guys bathrooms are, don't go in. You're better off not knowing, trust me.
7. When an opportunity comes up to do something so incredibly stupid you'll be laughing about it in detention/OCS/prison forever, ALWAYS take it.
8. You can retake a class but you can't relive a party.
9. Most friends will tell you they'll be with you always, but few will actually do it.
10. Hang on to those people.
Top Ten Cool Things About Staying Up ALL Night
10. You make a lot of tpyos when you type stuff.
9. You laugh at inanimate objects.
8. You walk into things.
7. You laugh at yourself for walking into that thing, then when you keep walking, you're laughing too hard to watch where you're going and smack into something else.
6. You find the ugliest people in your HS yearbook to be hot (well, at least marlo does).
5. If it wouldn't be funny when you're awake/sober, its funny as hell now.
4. The phrase "Danny Chair" is hysterical.
4. You repeat yourself.
3. You start to play with little kids toys, and they amuse you more than they amuse the kids.
2. Danny Chair....hehe....
1. You forget what was supposed to go here.
Drunk Priest!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Science of Sex!
Submitted by Lisa Sanderson
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but
until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric
expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original
and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
Fucked Up Fears
1. Albuminurophobia- Fear of kidney disease.
2. Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
3. Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
4. Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
5. Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
6. Atomosophobia - Fear of atomic explosions. (Who doesn't?)
7. Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women. (What the hell!?)
8. Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks.
9. Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.
10. Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.
11. Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
12. Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.
13. Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
14. Genophobia- Fear of sex. (Poor fool!)
15. Gerontophobia- Fear of old people.
16. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words. (Ah the hypocrisy...)
17. Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
18. Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body.
19. Linonophobia- Fear of string.
20. Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.
21. Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs.
22. Numerophobia- Fear of numbers.
23. Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes.
24. Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
25. Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
26. Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.
27. Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law.
28. Philematophobia- Fear of kissing. (I know some people w/this...)
29. Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
30. Porphyrophobia- Fear of the color purple.
31. Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.
32. Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
33. Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.
34. Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.
35. Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.
Varios Wierd Shit
Submitted By Chris Petersen
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write these men?
Never agree to plastic surgery if they doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks...just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
No one ever says "it's only a game," when their team is winning.
As I said before, I Never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least be ague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lighting would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Or can we?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how could is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called, "Holes?"
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
If a pig loses it voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do," is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
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Below: Lol...this is self-explanatory....
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If you ungrateful bastards ever send me anything, I'll put it here, along with whatever alias you like. (Just kidding about the ungrateful bastards part, please still come to my page!)
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The Shits
GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel it come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.
CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and your boxers so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
DRINKER'S SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks it leaves on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN SHIT: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT SHIT: The kind where you want to take a shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP SHIT: It hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS SHIT (The Power Shit): The kind that comes out so fast, your ass cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING SHIT: This shit refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done shitting it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops! Ya shit yer pants!
Other Wierd Stuff
Submitted by Mike
If you saw 2 guys named hambone and flippy, which one do you think would like dolphins more? you'd say flippy, wouldn't you? you'd be wrong, though, its hambone.
It would be a bad idea to put a dog on the space shuttle because if he stuck his head out the window it would probably get all burned up when you went back into earth's atmosphere. ouch!
Weather they find life there or not, I think we should declare Jupiter an enemy planet.
Did you know 17 percent of graduates from America's top colleges would actually punch themselves in the face really hard if you gave them fifty dollars. Wham!
I think that in a war, people should throw little pumpkins instead of grenades. That way, when the enimies are busy laughing because you threw a pumpkin, you can throw a real grenade.
How come a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing, but a wise man and a wise guy are completely different?
Teenage girls often have babies fathered by men, study shows.
A Plant found in China causes uncontrollable sexual desire in goats. It is called the Horny Goat Weed. I'm not kidding. I swear to god.
A state trooper pulled a guy over and told him, "Since you were wearing your seatbelt, you won a million dolers in the statewide safety contest." the guy said, "Well don't give me the money yet. I probably oughta get my driver's licence first. A woman popped up in the back and said "Oh don't listen to him, he can be a real smartass when he's drunk." Another guy popped up in the back and said, "Oh great. I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." And in the trunk, a voice said in spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Dumbass Labels
Submitted by Hilary Tone
These are some instructions in case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed....through stupidity. Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer: ...Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: ...You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
Junk Mail
Submitted by Jessica Blanck
When you get ads in your phone or utility bill,
include them with the payment. Let them throw it away.
When you get those pre approved letters in the mail
for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local dry cleaner to American
Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just
send them their application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your
name isn't on anything you send them.
You can Send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will
begin getting all their junk back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail,
and best of all they're paying for it! Twice!
How the business world really works
Submitted by Lenzi Cawvey
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How
about
achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 99%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close,
attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
New Condoms
Submitted by Tessa Lawrence
Which Condom Would You Use?
Nike Condoms: Just Do It!
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby!
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop!
Ford Condoms: The best never rest!
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock!
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey you never know!
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever!
KFC Condoms: Finger-licking good! !
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing!
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one!
Campbell's Soup Condoms:Mmm mmm good!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper!
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going....!
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border!
MCI Condoms: For friends and family!
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun
A Personal Mix Up
Submitted by Lenzi Cawvey
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE. Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
cozy
winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature
gave
me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about
an eight-week-old Black Labrador Retriever.
A Few More Ways To Annoy People
Submitted by Crystal "Cripple" Anders
1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
2. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
3. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
4. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
5. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
6. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
7. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking dumb.
8. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
9. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
10. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
11. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal plug-your-nose voice.
12. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
13. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
14. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
15. Name your dog "Dog".
YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN
Written by George Carlin, Submitted by Mike Caracciolo
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American....
I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level
governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart
American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not
entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or Dunkin Donut's Coffee, try
to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than
working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to
put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be
enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they
want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry
Springer.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when
I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying,
paying?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the
desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or
been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up
already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson
practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem
and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running
from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking
the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you
deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the
next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap
or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people
should be targets. They should also look into getting a job, instead of
bumming money off of us working stiffs.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two
parents; a mother and a father!
I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it's sex, and this applies
even if you are President of the United States.
And what the hell is going on with gas prices ... again?
Coffeehouse Peeves
By: Jeff Nemeth
I work in an intermittent coffeehouse, the name of which I won't disclose. Anyway, just so you know, heres a few things that really piss off the guys behind the counter:
"Wait...that was decaf, right?"
"I need 2 ice-blended Mochas.....one decaf."
"I'll have an Ice blended mocha" (After you finish), "And a Strawberry smoothie" (after you finish that one)"...oh...and a Peach Raspberry Smoothie..."
"Hi, I'd like a Mocha Frap please." Hmm..did it ever occur to you that THERE ARE OTHER COFFEEHOUSES BESIDES STARBUCKS!?
"I'll have a double shot OF mocha." As if mocha was something you would distribute by shots.
(After ordering a Cappuchino) "Wow..there sure is alot of foam on this...."
"I'll take a Chocolate Latte please." (And then they look at you like you're from another planet when you start talking about Mochas)
"I'll have a Mocha...but easy on the mocha." Did I miss them memo that we now put this substance called "mocha" into our drinks instead of chocolate?
(After people order a caramel Macciato, which is espresso with a little whipped cream and caramel, and you give them the above item) "Umm...this is nothing like what I get at starbucks..." Take a look around..do you hear trendy music? Do you see lots of odd decorations and the starbucks T-shirts for sale? No? Thats probably because ITS NOT FUCKING STARBUCKS!
"I need a large latte" (AFTER you've made the drink) "Wait, can you use Soy?"
(On morning shifts, at 6 AM, one hour after I've dragged my ass out of bed) "So, early enough for you?" Hmm..I wonder if the water from the espresso machine would singe human skin off the bone....lets find out...
"Hmmm...." (after staring at the menu for 10 minutes)..."gee, I just can't decide what I want!" (another 10 minutes pass) "Oh well, I'll try again later." (as they leave the store) Hmmm..would you like to try our new mop-up-the-ass special? Only .95!
Funny Bumper Stickers
Submitted by Cristina Bradley
TOP 17 BUMPER STICKERS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE
17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!
AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!
1. Welcome to America...now speak English
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Pikasmoothie anyone?
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